October 21st, 2001

wear a mask, elhoffer


I was in what i call my detached phase at dinner today. That's when i don't really seem to be feeling anything, but at the same time i want to reach out and scream for attention. I really wanted to smash one of the dining room plates onto the floor. Just because. It would have made a loud noise. There would have been bits of plate everywhere. Someone would have had to clean it up. But instead I had a bagel and watched the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and all of Seaching for Bobby Fisher. It was making me feel better, but now i feel sort of blah again. I really have to write my paper. It needs to be done tonight. Aerith wants to know where i was. I don't really care. I just feel sort of empty again. and sad. and i want to do something drastic, but i won't. I never do. I used to tear up newspapers. I wish i had just let that plate drop. oh well. maybe next time. It's time to stair at the computer screen for several hours.
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