Athene Numphe (athene) wrote,
Athene Numphe
athene

in my inbox

This came into my inbox from pvgoth: LotR meets the Matrix


The Council of Agent Elrond
by xanyboi
(with apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Wachowski brothers)

INT. THE LAST HOMELY HOUSE - CLOSE ON MIRROR OF GALADRIEL

A wide angle view of a room in which Frodo is sitting at a table, alone.

We MOVE INTO the mirror, ENTERING the room, as if the mirror were a window.

At the same moment, a door opens and Elrond enters.

Elrond sits down across from Frodo. A large scroll slaps down on the table between them.

Frodo glances at the name on the scroll: "Baggins, Frodo."

ELROND
As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Baggins.

He opens the scroll. Paper rattle marks the silence as he flips several pages. Frodo cannot tell if he is looking at the file or at him.

ELROND
It seems that you have been living two lives. In one life, you are Frodo Baggins, a gentlehobbit from a respectable family. You eat two breakfasts a day, you pay your bills, and you help the Gaffer weed his garden.

The pages continue to turn.

ELROND
The other life is lived in secret where you go by the alias Mr. Underhill, and are guilty of virtually every hobbit taboo, including the unauthorized use of the One Ring, which you use to go gallivanting around the countryside after dark with elves and dwarves. I've heard you've even been recently caught cutting across Farmer Maggot's land again.

Frodo feels himself sinking into a pit of shit.

ELROND
One of these, lives has a future.
One of them does not.

He rolls up the scroll.

ELROND
I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Baggins. You are here because we need your help.

He looks up at Frodo; his eyes are an unnatural ice-blue.

ELROND
We know that you have been contacted by a certain individual. A man who calls himself Gandalf. Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant to the fact that he is wanted for acts of terrorism in more countries than any other man in the world. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.

He leans closer.

ELROND
My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you want to do the right thing. It is obvious that you are an intelligent man, Mr. Baggins, and that you are interested in the future. That is why I believe you are ready to put your past mistakes behind you and get on with your life.

Frodo tries to match his stare.

ELROND
We are willing to wipe the slate clean, to give you a fresh start and all we are asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Frodo nods to himself.

FRODO
Yeah. Wow. That sounds like a real good deal. But I think I have a better one. How about I give you the finger --

He does.

FRODO
And you can cram that scroll up your half-elven sphincter.

--xany
Tags: funny, geek, nerd
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